Review: An MTF Talks About The Buck-Off: The Official Buck Angel FTM Stroker from Perfect Fit

It was obsession at first sight for me and the Buck-Off. The fact that it’s a toy marketed for trans people, that it’s the OFFICIAL stroker of FTM porn star Buck Angel, their price, their use of a groan worthy pun: it was the perfect storm of things that Constance Augusta has Opinions about. It was like Perfect Fit wanted to draw me in, consuming me until I finally just had to buy it to get in there and see what the Buck-Off was all about.

Before going any further in this review I want to acknowledge that I’m definitely not the target audience for this particular toy. Although there are aspects of the Buck-Off that I’m not able to speak to, I do think that I can use my own knowledge to provide interested customers a general overview and more details than they can get from just looking at what the box says. This mini-review is based on images from the extra-mini-review that I posted on my Instagram Story back on January 28th.

Packaging of the Buck-Off: Buck Angel's FTM Stroker from Perfect Fit

While the Buck-Off uses the phrase “FTM” in their tagline it might be more accurate (if wordy) to say that they’re trying to serve any trans man or masc who uses testerone hormone replacement therapy and/or had phalloplasty or metoidioplasty and have had growth in their phallus but still find conventional strokers and masturbation sleeves too roomy. The idea here is that the Buck-Off scales down the standard closed top strokers/sleeves (the Tenga Eggs are the most well known example of this style) to provide that unique vacuum feel to a wider range of users.
Shot of Buck-Off's opening with text on size (~3.4") and comparison to Tenga Eggs (more pronounced texture)

The Buck-Off’s shape is somewhere between a pudgy bullet and a beauty blender sponge. The entire length is about as long as my thumb and is divided in half between the textured tunnel and the section on top that flares out before narrowing to form a rounded pyramid. My rough measurement puts the opening at about three-quarters of an inch in diameter which is the tightest opening that I’m aware of among closed-top strokers. The ridges running through the inside make the tunnel even tighter than the opening, providing more pressure and sensations during use. It’s made of SilaSkin, a remarkably soft material with an almost velvety feel that I personally find soothing just to hold in my hand like a stress toy (To be fair, my stress/fidget toy on my desk is also masturbation sleeve that I squeeze and play with while working.)Demonstrating the Buck-Off's give by stretching it down a slim purple dildo

SilaSkin is also super stretchy with enough give to it that I was able to put it on my own dick and masturbate, pulling the textured tunnel past my head and down my shaft.

Buck-Off's cleaning instructions: warm water and soap, no silicone or oil based lubePerfect Fit uses a mix of silicone and TPR to make their SilaSkin and washing it is a breeze: just use warm water and alcohol-free soap, making sure to turn it inside-out to get in there and scrub between the ridges. Perfect Fit only recommends using water based lubes which makes sense since silicone lube can damage the silicone in SilaSkin and oil will degrade the materials over time. Unlike pure silicone toys that can make contact with one another with no issue, the presence of TPR means that prolonged contact with similar materials will lead to them melting together so be mindful of this when putting it away after use.

The big question is how does the toy feel? This is the area where my review moves into an area of more “professional” speculation. When used on my own dick the ridges are definitely noticeable, something which I don’t always experience with the ubiquitous Tenga eggs. While on my phallus the stretch prevents the vacuum feel from developing but I can mimic it by using it on my thumb and I was surprised by just how much suction I felt. You’re probably going to want some sort of lube to prevent the Buck-Off from catching and dragging your skin. Anything water based is good with this but the SilaSkin is soft enough that you might be fine with saliva or whatever wetness you may produce when aroused.

The sucking sensation that I refer to is produced by the push-pull motion of jacking off which pushes down pressurized air and pulls up in a vacuum, much in the same way that a toilet plunger functions. (I think. Physics isn’t one of my strong points and I relied to heavily on this breakdown of pressure and toilet plungers to puzzle my way through it.) It’s the vacuum that sets the Buck-Off and other closed top strokers apart from the comparably sized Doc Johnson Goodhead, a textured double-ended sleeve that has seen popularity among some trans men and mascs. While the Goodhead provides the snug fit that some may want, its open ended design means that the sensation is focused on the textured interior on the shaft without also creating a vacuum suction.

Visual comparison of Buck-Off to a similarly thick walled stroker

But is the Buck-Off really that unique? It was this question that made me want to take a closer look at the Buck-Off since my initial impression was one of skepticism that it could perform all that differently from other similarly sized (and cheaper) strokers. As soon as I opened the package I could tell that the Buck-Off had much thicker walls than the Tenga Egg, a feature that in my experience tends to mean more sensation. The most comparable toy in my sex drawers was the Blue Valentine Sexy Pills from Dorcel which had the most similar length, wall thickness, and texture to the Buck-Off.

Right off the bat it A possibly comparible stroker being held on a dildowas obvious that the Blue Valentine couldn’t provide the same tightness and vacuum effect as the slimmer Buck-Off. At least not initially. If you squeeze a bit with your hand along the base and shaft of a standard stroker you can replicate some of the sensation of the Buck-Off. I wasn’t able to quite get the same amount of vacuum pull (I suspect this is because it lacks the pyramid shape atop the Buck-Off) but I wasn’t using it on my dick so this is heavily speculation on this point.

Final Thoughts:

Buck-Off held in handAs I’ve been saying throughout the review, this toy was not built with my genitals in mind so the best I can offer is just a more in-depth overview for people deciding whether or not they want to spend the $20-$30. While I originally approached the Buck-Off with some skepticism (Look, I always assume products marketed at trans people are just ways to cash in on us by up-charging while calling it “representation” or “activism”) I do think that it’s distinctive enough to merit attention. As with any sex toy there’s no promise that it’s going to work for every body but I think that with trans specific sex toys in particular there’s a greater chance that not having a toy work for you will feel like a invalidation of your gender. So with that in mind I want to just be super clear that NOT EVERY TOY WILL WORK FOR EVERY BODY AND THAT’S TOTALLY NORMAL AND FINE.

perfect fit buck angel buck-off FTM stroker 6If you think you’ll be able to get a nice snug fit where the base of the Buck-Off meets your body and are fine taking a gamble with $20-$25 then the Buck-Off might be right up your alley. If you’ve tried other strokers but found them too roomy or with an uninspiring texture you might luck out with this option. That being said, I don’t think there’s any reason not to play around with some other (cheaper) options! Maybe in the end all you need is to apply some pressure to a Tenga Egg or use a rubber-band to pinch off the top of a Goodhead or whatever else your mind can dream up. After all, as easy as it can be to have your identity affirmed through capitalism there’s something to be said for the satisfaction of DIY-ing your way to the perfect toy for you and your body.

I purchased Perfect Fit’s Buck-Off for my own use and review.

Well, I Didn’t Hate It: Jimmyjane Form 5 Review

photograph of the jimmyjane form 5 on its sideLet’s be upfront about this: The Form 5 looks weird. Like the rest Jimmyjane‘s FORM series, this is a toy that wouldn’t look out of place in an exhibit of abstract Scandinavian desk art. This rotund little vibrator with its two ears/horns/wings/flippers sticking up on either side of a rounded head drew my eye during a period when I was struggling to find vibrators that worked with my particular dick-dysphoria. I was looking for an external vibrator that I could use without feeling like I had to “repurpose” one marketed for clits or deal with the hyper-masculine packaging of vibes marketed for dudes. With its “For women and men!” (yeah, yeah, I know) packaging and unique shape that didn’t look like the traditional clit or dick toys, I could easily see myself rubbing one out with the Form 5.

I lusted after the Form 5 for months before I finally put it on my dick. I have a history of building myself up for disappointment and while the Form 5 didn’t quite live up to my hype it was still a completely pleasant experience. Using it on my frenulum (that sensitive area on the bottom of the dick where the head meets the shaft, if you’re circumcised you probably have a little scar that marks the spot) the combined vibrations of the domed head and the fluttering wings created a feeling distinct from any other vibrator I’ve used.

My preferred way of using the Form 5 is to place it on my frenulum so that the wings kind of hug the bottom half of the head of my dick. While it’s on I rock it back and forth or do little strokes to move the vibration around and add some variation to the sensation. This is pretty much I use most external vibes, the only difference here is that wings spread the vibrations out over a slightly larger surface area than if I was using a more traditionally shaped vibrator on my dick.

One of the aspects that initially attracted me to the Form 5 was that it seemed like it had the same sort of power that Jimmyjane put in the Form 2. Like many reviewers I found the vibration to be significantly less powerful that I expected from a toy made by Jimmyjane. While I normally go for deeper rumbly-type vibrations or a buzzy toy that has a lot of power to it (talking about you, Hitachi), I was still able to enjoy the Form 5, something that separates my experience from most of reviews I’ve read. For me the Form 5 is one of the toys that I need to apply a little pressure to the toy to really get the vibrations that I like (I apply a slightly similar pressure with the Mona and the Siri if that’s a helpful reference for anyone.)

If the Form 5 was just the domed head I probably wouldn’t have much interest but the weaker than expected vibrations are somewhat compensated for by the wings. Unfortunately, they barely make a difference for me. Just as the vibrations are simply fine, the wings are kind of interesting but nothing to write home about. My frustration is that while I can feel the wings enough for them to make a marginal difference they just aren’t strong enough to do what I want. Instead of being a truly novel and interesting vibrator for me, they just feel like thin pieces of silicone fluttering from the diffused vibration of the main motor (which is actually what I think they are). I’d love to try a version where the only thing changed is the addition of a motor for the wings to really give them some power. As someone who hasn’t loved using masturbation sleeves/strokers I was hoping the wings would be like an open sleeve providing sensation to the bottom and sides of my dick. Instead they’re just wimpy little things that provide the bare amount of diffused vibration to do anything for me.

photograph of the jimmyjane form 5 on its side focusing on the dome and wings

The “pleasure dome” with its underwhelming wings.

Does it bring me to orgasm every time I use it? No, but there are many toys that I adore in my collection which I don’t often use the entire time I’m going for an orgasm. The Form 5 is one of the vibrators that I sometimes find myself in the mood for and enjoying even if I almost always switch over to the Hitachi or Mona to go to the next stage of pleasure.

When I tried to make a list of Definite Positives about this toy I found myself feeling like I was reaching to find things. It’s covered in silicone which is a reliable material (just don’t use silicone lube with silicone) and easy to clean (warm water and soap will do it.) The motor is rechargeable so you don’t need to keep buying batteries. It’s waterproof. Jimmyjane has a good reputation for durability and they offer a really solid warranty in the event that something does go wrong. There’s… well, honestly that’s the entire list of Things That Are Definite Positive About The Form 5.

photograph of the jimmyjane form 5 standing in its charger

Like the rest of the Form line the Form 5 charges by being placed in a dock.

Although I do ultimately enjoy the Form 5 I’m hesitant to recommend it. Honestly it’s a combination of meh-features which somehow come together to make a vibrator that I can get into from time to time. There’s really nothing about it that stands out enough for me to say that if you like “X” sensation, “X” type of toy, or “X” feature, you might want to try out the Form 5. Even with toys that I don’t like, I’m normally able to identify one or two aspects that I can use to say who I think could get some enjoyment out of it. Because it’s hard to say anything definite about the Form 5, I would really encourage someone to find a shop where they let you touch a display model so you can actually feel the vibrations and the wings before spending money to it.

The Form 5 from Jimmyjane is just interesting enough for me, even if there’s nothing in particular that stands out to me or my dick. If you have the money and want to take a gamble on a pricier external vibrator (I usually see it priced at around $116-$150) then the Form 5 could be an option. If you’ve been saving up your money for a “high end” or “luxury” external vibrator I would say that the Form Five is too much of a gamble.photograph of purple jimmyjane form 5 on its side

TYPE: External vibrator

VIBRATIONS: Moderate, on the buzzier side for me

MATERIAL: Silicone (no silicone based lube; warm water and soap to clean)

WATERPROOF: Yes – submergible

POWER SOURCE: Rechargeable (USB cord included)

PRICE: ~$100-150


WORTH THE MONEY: Only if you don’t need deep or strong vibrations and are able to take a chance with a bunch of cash.

This toy was given to me by Oh My Sensuality Shop for my honest review. I also work part-time at Oh My.

FETISH FVCKDOLLS: A Sampler of Submissive Trans Girl Porn [REVIEW]

It’s rare for me to watch porn featuring trans women. Even when I’m seeing porn made by trans ladies as opposed to porn made by men (for male consumption) I still often end up experiencing body dysphoria brought on by seeing girls like me having sex. However, my dysphoria has been somewhat more in check lately and so when Chelsea Poe said she was looking for reviewers for her upcoming film I jumped at the chance and I’m so glad that I did.

FETISH FVCKDOLLS is a collaboration film of three scenes that each feature a different trans woman performing as the submissive. The scenes range in terms of content, length, and style but come together to make an expression of the wide range of submissive experiences. I’m going to say it’s a Whitman’s Sampler of sub trans girl porn.

Kelli Lox and Ramses Rodstein. (

Kelli Lox and Ramses Rodstein. (

Kelli Lox and Ramses Rodstein’s Bad Ballerina is one of the most fun BDSM scenes that I’ve seen in a while. Kelli is all dolled up in a bright blue ballerina outfit that “daddy” Ramses rips off of her throughout the course of the scene. Although there’s plenty of discipline and dirty talk in Bad Ballerina the dominating sound is laughter as they tease and play with each other. Of the three scenes this is probably the most “realistic” and the viewer ends up taking on the position of a voyeur watching what feels like the sort of sex that might happen even when Kelli and Ramses aren’t being filmed. Ramses spends most of his time pinching, slapping, kissing, and biting Kelli with an intensity that wanders between tender and pure hunger. There’s plenty of ass fucking and impact play but my focus was really on the moments of oral sex when I got to have that great experience of recognizing moments from my own sex life on screen. The rare times that I watch porn featuring trans women the oral sex usually involves a trans woman with a firm erection pushing her dick into the cis partner’s mouth. This has, uh, never been my experience and seeing a trans woman receiving oral sex as the submissive and while not rock hard was a lovely moment of validation for me. Even watching her go down on Ramses’ strap-on and then on his own genitals felt like a great moment of blurring the usual image of the strap-on being a permanent extension of the body during a film and not something that can be taken on and off at will. Bad Ballerina was a sweet and sincere scene that might be my nomination for “Feel Good BDSM Scene of 2016.”

Cheat ON Chelsea uses the trope of walking in on a cheating partner that naturally leads to a threesome. I’m going to be upfront and say that this wasn’t my favorite scene of the film. When Chelsea walks in on her girlfriend Suzie Spindrift having sex with Alyx Fox (wearing a truly massive strap-on) she’s eventually persuaded to join in. Join in might not be the right word because for most of the scene she’s more of a passive object tied up for Suzie and Alyx to hook up on top of. At times Suzie and Alyx interact with her to humiliate her but even then the focus is still mostly on Suzie who not only gets fucked with Alyx’s strap-on but with the gag/strap-on that Chelsea wears in her mouth. There were some definite hot moments for me in Cheat ON Chelsea but they were often cut short because of the way the scene was shot. There were several times where I wasn’t sure what the camera was focusing on and the action seemed to get lost with thighs and hair and sheets in the way of the camera’s view. Maybe this is supposed to convey the way that bodies tangle around each other during sex? I don’t have that much experience with group sex but I don’t remember the limbs and bodies obscuring the fucking. The moments that stood out to me included the torrent that Suzie releases when she cums on Chelsea (this will stand out to literally everyone who watches this scene) and the way Chelsea is brought to orgasm and then has her wet panties cut off and fed to her. I’m sure that there are many people out there who will appreciate the entirety of this scene but as far as porn goes I spent more time thinking about framing shots than I spent thinking about sex.

I started Stefani Special’s scene with Mistress Kara with a sort of detached interest. I’ve personally never been that invested in strict protocol BDSM and when Dungeon Pet started with a collaring ceremony I assumed that’s the direction we were heading. I began the scene with my notepad in hand but soon set it aside so I could pick up my Hitachi. The scene opens with Mistress Kara collaring Stefani before restraining her so that she can go to town on her ass with all sorts of impact toys. She absolutely tears up Stefani’s butt cheeks to the point where her ass becomes redder than an embarrassed Macintosh apple blushing. Fans of humiliating dirty talk will enjoy the level of dialog that Mistress Kara uses throughout the entire scene as she teases Stefani and makes her beg for punishment. Together they hit just about all the acts you might expect from a BDSM scene: shoe licking, clothespins on genitals, electricity play, whips, crying, spitting, and more. As a fan of grittier body-on-body rough sex I loved the transition made during the last twenty minutes or so when Stefani was taken off the bench and Mistress Kara began to get really hands on with her. This is the part where my notes become harder to read with words written in ALL CAPS and with exclamation points digging into the paper. The look that Stefani has on her face at the end of her ass fucking looked just like the place that I always hope sex will leave me. Her pout just killed me in all the right ways. The camera work really helped make this scene stand out for me. I particularly appreciated the focus on Stefani’s face as she reacted to the Mistress Kara’s various punishments. I have a pet peeve about porn scenes not showing enough of the sub’s face but Dungeon Pet avoided this by zooming in to see every moan and lip bite and face twitch.

I ended my viewing of FETISH FVCKDOLLS not with a looming wave of dysphoria but with a sense of satisfaction and contentment. I’ve known for a while that I don’t see much in porn that I can relate back to my own identity as a submissive/bottom trans woman and yet I wasn’t prepared for how meaningful it would be to see such familiar elements of my sex life being performed by other trans women. Even in the moments that didn’t work with what I look for in porn I still found things that made me go, “Oh hey, I do that. My dick does that when I cum. That sounds like something I’ve begged for.” FETISH FVCKDOLLS didn’t cure my dysphoria or sense of isolation but it did provide moments of community, moments of relatability that I didn’t realize I was looking for.

FETISH FVCKDOLLS is directed by Chelsea Poe, Stefani Special, and Alyx Fox. It also starred Kelli Lox, Mistress Kara, Suzie Spindrift, and Ramses Rodstein. Release date is 4/20/2016 from Trouble Films. All images in the body of this review are my own screen captures. Featured image was provided by Chelsea Poe. I was provided with an advance copy for my honest review.

My One Year Anniversary of Starting Hormones

It’s March 14th, 2016 which means that I’ve been on hormone replacement therapy for an entire year now.

grumpy cat party

jk i actually treated myself to my first gel nail manicure today

The idea that it’s only been one year is such a mindfuck for me. It’s hard to remember that all the changes I’ve experienced on hormones have somehow only taken a year. Imagine collapsing several years of puberty into just 365 days and you’ve got a pretty good idea of how jammed pack this year has been for my body.

These days I’ve been experiencing moments where I actually feel almost in sync with my body which is  a refreshing experience. The best way I’ve been able to explain this sensation is to refer to View-Masters, those bulky plastic glasses/goggles/viewing-thingies that combine two flat images into a three-dimensional scene. When out of focus the images are flat and fuzzy and often nausea inducing. It’s only when those images come into sync with each other that you get the proper three-dimensional experience. For years my body and my sense of self have existed in discordant relation to each other. Areas of focus may overlap and at times come together in harmony but for the most part it’s like an out-of-focus stereo display complete with the nausea swimming in my stomach. And now? Now it’s like I’m finally able to adjust the dial and bring the two images into proper harmony.

Or at least I’m getting closer to harmony, closer to bringing the two images into focus to create the three-dimensional image that doesn’t make me want to vomit everywhere.

When this process began I assumed that I would just be bringing my body into line. I thought that I had a clear image of myself that I could bring about with some artificial hormones and a like fifty thousand nip and tucks. Over the past year I’ve begun to understand that this clear image of myself came from a complete removal from reality. At some point I understood that the image I held for my body and my life would never occur and so I was cut my womanhood from earthly constraints and built a female version of myself on fantasy and desire. I lived a life inside of my head and abandoned my body to have its own “boy” identity. My complete divorce of my body and my identity was a bifurcation that could only begin to heal when I began to engage with my body.

I used to think the language comparing HRT to alchemy was a little whoo-whoo but it makes sense to me. Somehow HRT uses chemicals and compounds and various strange things with complex names to work a miracle transform the body that I abandoned into the body that I understand as my own. As my body shapes itself from dream-life into real-life I have no choice but to bring my understanding of my identity from ideal daydream into practical reality. It’s no longer enough to know that the world  should see me as a woman I now need to navigate a world that does see me as a woman (at least on the days that I get my makeup right). Starting to understand my body in the real world has pushed me one step further in understanding who I am in the real world.

This past year has been a wild one for me full of rapid changes that I struggle to keep track of. In many ways the physical changes brought by HRT are the easiest to understand and keep track of. Things like breast tissue growth and fat redistribution can be estimated and measured and neatly written up. It’s the emotional side of things, the understanding of self, that I’ve had the hardest time understanding. I still don’t entirely understand who I am but I do understand that on this one year anniversary two disparate parts of myself are coming into focus to create a stereoscopic human.

Sex Headlines from 2016 that I’m Not Looking Forward To

Queering Women’s Masturbation: Give Your Sex Toys Female Names

I Stopped Shaving My Pubes and This Is What I Learned About Transgendered Women

I’m a Straight Cisgender Man into Pegging So Why Don’t I Get a Pride Flag?

The Subversive Activism of Redtube

Keep Your Masturbation Feminist: 10 sex fantasies starring Elizabeth Cady Stanton

Find a Sex-Toy that Pairs Well with Your Favorite Variety of Lentils

Are Body-Safe Materials in Sex Toys the Next Frontier for Civil Rights?

DIY: Put Glitter in Your Lube

Guide to Sleeping with Trans* Women (by Dan Savage)

I Replaced My Dildos with Kale

10 Pictures of Feminist Men You Can Masturbate To

How Trans* Women Are Overly Represented in Radical Sex Ed

If You Haven’t Tried Anal Are You Still a Feminist?

Hot Yoga for Your Butthole

How Cis-People Can Have Trans*-Positive Sex

10 sex fantasies starring elizabeth cady stanton


When the Gyrating Pleasing Flutter first showed up in the store I filed it away in the mental folder of INTERESTING BUT NOT FOR ME. Like many people who first pick it up I assumed that it was going to be an oral sex simulator, something that I’ve never had a strong interest in. Then I began to hear people’s feedback. “It’s so strong!” “It’s my new go-to!” “It’s not meant to simulate oral sex!” The anecdotal reviews I was hearing might have been amazing but I’d recently become a magic wand disciple and I had no time for anything else. Fast forward to this summer: I’d recently begun to reopen my masturbation preferences to include things other than wand-style vibrators and after a string of particularly bad weeks I treated myself to that weird looking vibrator everyone around me was raving about.

So here’s the deal with the Gyrating Pleasing Flutter. It’s a battery operated, plastic
covered vibrator manufactured by California Exotic Novelties that I’ve seen retail for around $20-$30 at various stores. At the bottom of the handle is a big soft on button. Once it’s on you press the button a second time to switch from STRONG to STRONGER and then one more click turns it off. Easy as can be. There’s a 6” handle that ends with the “tongue”; all of this is covered in a soft plastic that doesn’t feel that different from your everyday silicone. It runs on 3 AA batteries and while the manufacturer says it’s water proof the motor is only protected by a single seal so I wouldn’t recommend taking it with you underwater but you should be fine using it in the shower and cleaning it in the sink.

That’s all important information but let’s get to the real question: what does that tongue actually feel like?

First things first it feels like no human tongue I’ve ever experience. The closest comparison I can make is that the Flutter tongue feels like a Hitachi magic wand, except smaller and not as strong and much more focused. What I love about the tongue is that its weird shape allows for a few different sensations in one toy. I’ve found that the slight curve of the tongue is the perfect fit for the bottom of my clit’s head, it’s kind of like getting a hug from a nice strong vibration. If I want slightly less skin-to-toy contact I can just flip it over and use the concave part to rub up and down my clit’s head. And of course there’s the tip of the tongue. Using just the tip produces a pretty damn intense vibration that I would liken to a strong rechargeable bullet vibe. In fact it’s so strong that it can be uncomfortable for me to use on my sensitive post-orgasm clit.  I’ve been experimenting with placing the tongue on other sensitive parts of my body and while I’ve enjoyed how it feels on my tits or perineum I’m not enamored enough to regular use it as anything but a clit vibe.

flutter close up 1flutter closeup 2flutter close up 3

Currently the Flutter is my go-to masturbation vibrator because I can produce such varied sensations with the one toy. Even when using my beloved Hitachi or Embrace Lovers Wand (also by Cal Ex) I like to add in a little something extra if I’m going for longer masturbation sessions that aren’t just about having a quick ogasm. By introducing other vibrations of different strengths or speeds I can mix things up and keep things going without just cumming right away. With all the options that the Flutter’s tongue offers I can swap between a few different types of vibration without having to reach over and grab a second toy.

As much as I love the Flutter I do have one issue that I’d like to complain about: the vibration does carry into the handle which is annoying for my delicate little hands. It’s not bad enough to deter me from using the vibrator but sometimes I’ll need to switch between hands and occasionally it’s annoying enough that I need to set put it aside for a second. This is something that I’ve dealt with in other vibrators and it seems to be one of those things that people either don’t notice or are super sensitive to it. All in all the vibrations in the handle aren’t as bad as some vibrators but it’s enough to annoy me.

If I was going to do a traditional star-rating system the Flutter would get a big ol’ four out of five stars from me. For a battery operated toy it provides a nice strong vibration with an unusual “tongue” that offers a few different sensations all in one toy. Sure the vibrations carry through the handle, sure there are only two speeds, and sure it’s covered in plastic not silicone but for its cost (mine was $24.99) this is a really solid toy. For anyone looking for a strong toy but who doesn’t want to splurge on a rechargeable toy I think this is a great option to consider.flutter full

Quick Specs-

Battery operated (3 AA batteries – “water proof” but should not be submerged underwater)

TPE and ABS plastic (warm water and soap to clean)

2 settings w/ 1 button to cycle through

Turn on/off with single button

Available in a bright pink or dark purple

3” x 1.5” (tongue) and 9” x 1.5” (overall)


So here’s something I never expected to say: I found a wand that I now reach for just as often as I reach for my Hitachi. I especially never expected to say it about California Exotic Novelties’ embrace lovers wand.

embrace lovers wand vibrator and box

Doing these photos always reminds me that I need to dust more.

When I first saw the packaging for the embrace I was put off by their proud declaration of “30 functions of intense vibration, pulsation and escalation.” 30 functions? 30 functions sounded to me like a gimmick squeezed into a wand by a company trying to compensate for an otherwise uninteresting vibe. The lovely curves and smooth matte-style silicone did quiet some of my skepticism but it wasn’t until I felt its vibrations on the palm of my hand that I thought, “Ok, so this could actually be something…”

While the strength of the vibrations don’t approach Hitachi territory the embrace does have a nice steady vibration that even on its lowest setting manages to hit my sweet spot. I’m not used to orgasming on my first use with a toy but with this wand against my clit I was orgasming like we were old friends.

As for the 30 fucking functions? Well I’m not much of a settings lady in general (I’ll take one strong speed over fancy pulses and patterns any day of the week) so I can’t offer the nuanced opinion of a setting connoisseur but in my rough opinion they’re crap. The embrace uses a single button to cycle through those 30 functions so if my finger slips and I accidentally move from my favorite setting I end up having to go through 29 other settings to get back to the one I was on. At least when you turn it on it starts on whatever function you were last using which works for someone like me who tends to keep it on my favorite setting for the entire time. Really it’s a testament to the embrace’s power that even with my annoyance at how they set up the functions that I’m willing to keep using it over and over again.

I’m really into the shape of the wand and would even describe its curves as “sexy,” a word that I usually reserve for cast iron pans and pens that I can’t afford. While I don’t know if the handle is “ergonomically curved” like the packaging claims I do know that it feels good even in my old lady fingers with their achy joints. The head of the wand is only 2.5” x 1.75” which means that for some people it can also be used internally and it seems like the bend in the handle would allow the person holding it to rock it up and down which could be great for some. The handle is mostly silicone with a “silver” decal made of ABS plastic.

embrace lovers wand vibratorembrace lovers wand vibratorIt’s also rechargeable and this is where I get really excited. Most of the retailers I saw online are pricing it at around $60-$80 which isn’t exactly cheap but if you’re looking at rechargeable silicone wands that can reach $130 this is usually one of the more affordable ones I’ve seen. I love rechargeable vibrators (Tend to be quieter, no batteries, submergible in water.) but often they’re too expensive for my wallet so to find a good wand that’s more likely to be affordable to more people is always something I love. It recharges with an included USB cord but there isn’t a wall plug so unless you want to charge it via your computer’s USB port you’ll need to have something else for it to connect to. The charge does only last for an hour to an hour and a half depending on the setting used so those of you who are more marathoners than sprinters may want to have a backup ready.embrace lovers wand charging

My final ruling is that I’m very into Cal Exotic’s embrace lover’s wand. While it has just enough rough spots to make me wish they would release an embrace 2.0 (A button to cycle backwards!) the solid vibration it provides me totally make up for any shortcomings. If you’re looking for a rechargeable wand on the lower end of the price scale this is one that I recommend with only a few reservations.

Quick Specs-

  • Rechargeable (USB – 1-1.5 hours of charge – submergible in water)
  • Silicone and ABS plastic (warm water and soap to clean – 10% bleach solution to disinfect – no silicone based lube)
  • 30 settings w/ 1 button to cycle through
  • Turn on/off with single button
  • Available in Grey, Pink, Purple
  • 5” x 1.75” head and 9” x 1.75” length

My Fucked Up Relationship with Grindr

I first joined Grindr about two years ago during the final months of my “I’m a boy!”-phase and kept it for just a few weeks before deleting it to make room on my phone for more pictures of my face. A few months later I decided that it would be hilarious to make an account for Margaret Thatcher (I have memories of gin being involved in this decision) which turned into me using Grindr as a tool to look at mildly attractive people’s torsos while waiting for the bus. Then a friend of mine, a fellow trans woman, mentioned that she was hooking up that night with a dude she met on Grindr. My reaction was probably not that different than yours, “What but you’re a woman, isn’t Grindr for men looking for men?” She shrugged and said something along the lines of, “Whatever, I still get laid.” That was all the permission I needed to turn my Margaret Thatcher account in a real account because social networking for sexual encounters that both parties understand as casual is something that I am incredibly passionate about.

Whenever I mention to someone that I use Grinder there’s always that moment where they want to know why I’m on a gay sex app for men. I’m fine with that initial sense of confusion, I experienced it myself at first, but what I don’t love is when people (usually of the cis variety) want to know if I feel weird being a trans woman on Grindr because that question is often accompanied by the unspoken question asking if I’m somehow setting my womanhood aside for a quick fuck. Obviously, or at least obviously to me, I’m not setting aside my womanhood because a) how the fuck can I take off my womanhood and b) if gay men (By the way this entire conversation of Grindr=gay completely erases the bi and pan and flexible and fluid men who use the app.) are attracted to me that’s entirely their own issue.

The heart of why I stick around on Grindr, and this is something I no longer mention to people unless I have time to listen to them talk about how pretty and attractive I am, is that Grindr is one of the only places where I’m considered attractive for casual hook-ups. Look I know I’m a very attractive young woman with legs for days and a profile carved from marble but the fact of the matter is that I’m also a trans woman which is something that often overrides my flawless beauty among Hot Singles In My Area. For the straight cis men who dominate Tinder my clit and balls make me just a little too “manly” for their NO HOMO lifestyles and let’s not even get started on the “sorry but I’m only attracted to people assigned female at birth”-transphobia that I’ve found to be disturbingly common when talking with women. When it comes to using the technology to get laid my best bet is with Grindr.

I don’t want to make it seem as though Grindr is some paradise for this lady because holy fuck it’s not. Grindr is a place where I need to put “Do not refer me to as a ‘tranny!’” in my bio because apparently that’s an acceptable word to use upon first messaging a trans woman. I get sent messages that make me want to set fire to my phone and once I had such a disappointing hookup (I didn’t even know that it was possible for a mouth to be that full of saliva.) I deleted the app for a few weeks because I was so scarred. There are also the lovely people who seem to think that if they message me every fucking hour I’ll stop ignoring them (these men have apparent never considered the fact that I’m not staring at my messages every minute of the day waiting for someone to message me). I haven’t even had that many successful physical hookups. When I write up all my negatives about Grindr my immediate reaction is to ask myself why I even have this app taking up space on my phone. The fact of the matters is that unlike Tinder my Grindr messages are more likely to be sent to me rather than sent by me. Sure most of them are perhaps a little too sexually forward for my tastes but I’m a woman who is both vain and insecure and it turns out that receiving messages from headless torsos is actually something that I enjoy immensely.

I know, I know, I’m not supposed to rely on the opinions of men to make me feel good about my body but at this point of my life it’s a nice little boost to my self-esteem. When I’m feeling a bit down about how I look it’s nice to know that in my pocket there are a stream of messages from people who are responding just to a headshot of me smirking.

It might be interesting to note that when I’m browsing Grindr I often see another trans lady or two. If I had the grant money I’d love to do proper ethnographic research on what draws us onto a site pitched at “gay, bi and questioning men” but without that research I’m reluctant to speak for my fellow ladies. What I will say is that for me there’s a security that comes from being on a hook-up app where most of the people who see my profile will accurately guess roughly what my genitals look like and won’t message me if they’re not interested in what they think is between my legs. Of course this is tied up in a much larger and more serious conversation about how we gender genitals and how this impacts intersex and trans people but right now I’m at a point in my life where if I want to have casual hook ups I need to choose between apps that offer me boys who mostly ignore me because of what they’re assuming about my genitals or an app that offers me boys who respond positively to what they think I’ve got. It’s fucked up that I live in a world where the size and shape of my genitals make me (a woman) more desirable to gay men than to straight men and gay women. (I excluded bi men from that sentence not because they’re irrelevant to my sex life but because they’re irrelevant to that particular dynamic.)

Yeah it’s fucked up as all Hell that Grindr is a safer choice for me. But as gross as Grindr can be it’s almost a nice break from my daily life where my genitals make me an anathema to both straight men and gay women. And that is one of the saddest sentences I’ve ever written.

Sex Thoughts I Had While Visiting Family and Living with Co-Workers for 3 Weeks in My Rural Vermont Hometown

  1. Go away cat I’m masturbating
  2. Go away dog I’m masturbating
  3. I was attracted to you in high school and I’m annoyed to learn that I’m still attracted to you
  4. I can survive three weeks without kissing
  5. I can’t survive three weeks without kissing
  6. I wonder if this stranger in the library is queer and would they like to kiss me
  7. Cat, please don’t chew on my silicone vibrator
  8. What sort of porn did I watch as a teenager
  10. I appreciate that you knocked on my door
  11. Please don’t notice the wet spot on the sheet that I’m concealing with my butt
  12. I wonder if the people who weren’t attracted to me when they thought I was a boy will be attracted to me now that they know I’m a girl
  13. Oh I remember masturbating to this book
  14. Oh I remember masturbating to this magazine
  15. How thin are these walls
  16. How loud is this vibrator
  17. Is it weird that I’m masturbating even though there’s a poster of me as a baby staring at me from the corner of this room

Masturbating Away My Self-Loathing

content note: Description of how I experience body dysphoria which includes details of the self-harm desires it produces. References to how I masturbate.

My relationship with my body has always been strained at best. I don’t like looking at myself naked, my joints ache for no good reason, my skin is definitely too sensitive to shave as often as I’d like and that’s just this morning’s grievances. Early on in life I learned to distance myself from my body for my own mental health, a skill that I mastered so well that I have almost no memory of going through the physical changes that puberty brought. Although I’m grateful that I found a coping mechanism (I like to joke that my removal from my body is what allows me to walk in heels for eight hours straight: I simply can’t feel the pain! It’s the sort of joke that I find hilarious and most people find discomforting.) I can admit that it’s not the healthiest strategy in the long term.

It takes a lot for me to feel some semblance of comfort in my skin. Even when I reach that level of comfort there’s still a voice in my brain reminding me of the twenty minutes I spent getting my makeup just right or how many times I needed to change my outfit before I found one that didn’t make my “friendly” Internalized Transphobe start shouting slurs and other vile things at me. Although I try to remind myself of the parts of my body that I do like (My voice, my thick hair, my gams, my nose, my eyes, my jaw.) these moments of positive affirmations can get knocked down as soon as I see my reflection.

This is where masturbation comes in.

I didn’t start masturbating as a form of self-love. I started because sometime just before puberty began I found out that certain sensations on my genitals felt amazing. It just so happened that this new interest in touching myself coincided with the darkening of my depression and as I became more and more disconnected from the sensation of joy the orgasms that came from masturbation became an important source of momentary happiness. Now masturbation has taken a firm place in my daily struggle to not let my depression confine me to my bed. It’s like jump starting a car battery (or so I imagine, I’m really unclear on how car batteries work): when my depression sets in and my brain chemistry slides out of whack the release of my orgasm related hormones and whatnot gives my body the boost it needs to start working.

During my daily life I don’t take pleasure from my body but when it’s just me, my hand/Hitachi/pillow/whatever and my body we usually end up having some really pleasurable moments. Even in my most dysphoric of days those nerve endings in my clit still respond to the  right touches and before I know it I’m grabbing my breasts and clenching my feet and having a good time with my body. Masturbation is our moment of peace, that rare moment when instead of working against each other we’re joined together and having a fucking good time.

When I’m coming down from masturbation I can lay there in my bed and appreciate what my body just did. For once I can marvel at my body instead of loathing it. In those moments I’m in awe of its complex networks of nerves and blood vessels and hormones and whatever fucking else is going on in there. This goes beyond abstract positive aphorisms about loving my body because it gives me a concrete, physical example of pleasure in my body; it gives me a lived example of pleasure in my body. For someone who spends so much of her life trying to live outside of my body this is outrageously important for me.

My body isn’t going anywhere. While I can change certain things here and there it’s not like I can edit the features that I hate so a major part of living in my body has to come from inside, not from medical intervention (This is NOT me knocking medical intervention, there’s a whole list of surgical things I plan on getting done once I marry and then kill a wealthy old man). Obviously masturbation isn’t the silver bullet that’s going to end my dysphoria but when I spend most of my life wanting to scratch my flesh from my bones with my own two hands I’ll take whatever moment of peace and pleasure I can damn well get.

If my body and I are in a strained relationship then I guess my Hitachi is our therapist?

If my body and I are in a strained relationship then I guess my Hitachi is our therapist?